Just keep swimming.

Funny how as children we’re told ‘sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me’ i realise as i’m leaning over the sink wretching, i feel the bile burning my throat, my head spinning. My heart feels like its shattered into a million tiny pieces, my eyes sting as i fight back the tears. Youve done it again, I let down my guard and you hurt me again. Words are more powerful than we think, like the 3 words ‘i love you’ those words uttered over and over can build you up, they can tear you down too.

I never expected us to live happily ever after not after all this time but you made me believe you were sorry, made me think you were the person i fell for, made me feel like nothing had changed. Again it didnt take long before you hurt me, dont know why i’m suprised – but still i grip the side of the sink to stop myself from crumbling apart, i slowly count to 100 and i remember some advice my friend gave me ‘dont sink, keep swimming’ i just kept telling myself youve been here, youve got through this, you find yourself putting on the mask – the i’m ok mask, the one if you put it on eventually you will be ok. When you hear their voice or when a memory blazes so strong it seems real you tell yourself. Just keep swimming.

Fall Facedown.

I really struggle to bow down before God in worship or prayer, I have no problem worshipping him but if I’m in a room full of people I struggle to pray aloud or it takes me a while to get into that quiet place while worshipping and stop worrying what other people around me think.

I love the song ‘Facedown’ by Matt Redman so I decided to listen to it this morning; the lyrics of the chorus ‘Yes, I’ll fall facedown as Your glory shines around’ challenged me as I struggle to ‘fall facedown’ to God, so this morning I just ask God to help me to kneel before him without being self conscious and just for him to lead me into that place where it’s just me and him and my newest challenge is to humble myself into falling facedown to him.